Tit For Tat
by TBOtaku
Summary: Yuffie goes looking for Vincent's materia in the wrong places...
1. Default Chapter

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Tit For Tat  
After thinking good and hard, and for lack of a better title,  
By: TBOtaku  
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Vincent Valentine groaned. His body had gotten damn beat up after that long battle with the Ultimate Weapon. He needed a bath. With that thought, he walked into the bathroom of his room in Cloud's Costa de Sol villa and started to undress, careful not to let his clothes touch the still fresh wounds on his skin. He turned the shower onto hot water, stepped in, and pulled the curtains in. Vincent sighed; he finally felt relaxed after being tense and cramped for so long.  
  
(Flashback to Cloud's car, two hours ago…)  
  
"Why didn't you buy a bigger car?" Vincent grumbled.  
  
Cloud looked him in the eye. "Because it was the biggest they had in Bone Village. So sue me. And anyway I didn't have enough gil to buy the deluxe version after I bought that awesome sword." Cloud smiled down at his new Moonblade sword. "Awww…you need a polishing, don'tcha? Yeeesss you do! Yessss you do! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't yo-"  
  
"SOMEBODY had better SHUT THE )!#($!@ UP BEFORE I USE MY GUN ON YOU, FOO!" Barret and Cid yelled simultaneously from the back seat next to Vincent, "BECAUSE IT'S GETTIN' ON MAH NERVES, STRIFE! "  
  
Cloud turns around and notices their newly upgraded weapons. O.O  
  
Vincent smiles, but then winces as that humungous idiot Cait Sith moved around again and bumped him on his arm. The arm that HURT. He should just take out his claw and bludgeon that fool to death, but he had proved himself in battle…stupid mog. Stupid cat, not to mention wacko pervert. Vincent had caught him looking in at him through a crack in the door while he was in the bath more than once. Remembering this, he flexed his claw restlessly. Cait Sith stopped moving abruptly.  
  
(End flashback)  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Yuffie Kisaragi was busy "collecting" as she called it. In reality she was going through all of Vincent's stuff in his room looking for some good materia to steal. Vincent was bound to have something really good, she had never searched his room before. "Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!" She yelled, frustrated after 15 minutes of searching. "…Waitasec, doesn't he usually take all his stuff-weapons included, that wierdo-into the shower with him? Awwww, damnit all to hell! The things I do for materia…" Yuffie squeezed her eyes shut for a minute and then opened them again. An evil smile appeared on her face. "Well, well, Valentine, we _are_ going to have some fun, aren't we? Oh, yes we are….heh heh heh." Yuffie quickly cleaned everything up and crept silently out of the room.  
  
***  
  
The steamy shower calmed Vincent down. He slowly lathered up his hands and began washing his wounds, making sure to clean them so that he wouldn't be getting any nasty infections. The soap slipped from his hands and zipped around the tub until it settled in the bottom right corner. Vincent bent down to get it.  
  
Yuffie saw her chance. She had snuck into the bathroom through a secret passageway used for emergencies about 10 seconds before and waited patiently. While Vincent was distracted, she quickly went through all his things on the ground, making sure to put them back where they were before. She checked his shirt(hmm…nice. Was this made out of silk?). No materia. She checked his gun. No materia. She checked his pants(Urgh, I think I'm gonna puke!). No materia. She almost screamed. 'OH #)(@! He musta taken it into the shower with him! Nooooooo!!! Oh well; good thing I am the best Wutai ninja in history." Yuffie let out a shaky sigh and stepped into the shower behind Vincent, her eyes closed tightly. Then she opened them.  
  
The sight of it make her freeze where she was. Oh holy @)^!*# what a sexy bod that scary vampire guy had. Yuffie stood frozen there, unable to move, much less take her eyes off Vincent searching for the soap.  
'I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here' was going through her mind like a broken record, but she was paralyzed. Another, more perverted thought crept into her head: 'Oh gawd; sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy…' And still she stood, her hair and clothes getting soaked by the hot water, with her mouth hanging open like some kind of idiot.  
  
'Got it!' Vincent thought. He reached for the pouf(yes, the pouf.)hanging behind him. But where was the pouf? And why was there something soft behind him instead of the rack and the wall? "Uhhh…" Vincent turned around…  
  
And saw that he had his hand clenched on the left breast of Yuffie Kisaragi. O.O  
  
"…OH MY GOD HOLY MOTHER )!#(@!ING @)(#!)@!!)$(!@# WHAT THE )#($!)(!)! ARE YOU DOING HERE YUFFIE KISARAGI OH @)(#!)!! OH MY GOD GET OUT! GET OUT! OH HOLY MOTHER @)#(! @!#(!!@#(!)@ )@$T)^Y&!)!)(#@ )(&@)$&$(*(**(#*)(*(&^#)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Barret, Tifa, Cid, Cloud, Aeris and Red XIII looked up from watching the TV. Cait Sith was outside busy repairing his mog body. "Uhh, Cid, I think you'd better go check on him," Red XIII said. "What the f*ck?! Why me, you lousy dog?? Why don't YOU go, or better yet, why doesn't Tifa or Barret go?" Cid yelled. But it was too late. Tifa, Barret, and a hysterically laughing Cloud had dragged him to the bathroom door and shoved him into it. Cid slammed into the door, and the force of his body hitting the wood broke it open. SLAM!  
  
The foursome stared goggle-eyed at the scene before them: Vincent Valentine, naked as a newborn baby, was clutching at Yuffie's left boob and sounded like he was choking. The shower was still on, but the curtain had been pushed aside. It also looked like Vincent was having a nosebleed. A very, very bad nosebleed.  
  
Tifa, Cloud, Barret and Cid: O.O… YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!  
  
The awkward couple slowly turned toward them. Then Vincent noticed that he was still holding onto Yuffie's breast and let go. "…Excuse…me…" Yuffie turned around, sat down, hugged her knees, and screamed…extremely loud. Likewise, Vincent had finally regained his aura of death and silence-not to mention common sense-and wrapped a towel around his torso. Then he grabbed Yuffie, threw her out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut. After about 20 seconds, he came back out, fully dressed this time and stared at Yuffie.  
  
"Yuffie Kisaragi what do you think you're doing in the shower with me?!" He demanded.  
  
Yuffie sensed that she was being ordered around and quickly regained her composure. "I was looking for materia and couldn't find it in your room so I thought you took it into the shower with you so I snuck into the bathroom but I didn't find any materia in your stuff there either so I thought you had it in the shower with you so I went in to see" she prattled. Yuffie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  
  
"You pervert! For your information I hide my materia in Cid's closet next to his porno magazines!" Vincent yelled. Cid turned scarlet and mumbled something about "getting em for the coupons." Tifa acted swiftly and pounded his head into the floor with her elbow. Meanwhile Cloud had been laughing the whole time and was still at it now. Barret took the lead and pulled Yuffie none too gently into his room.  
  
"Now, Yuffie, I know you ain't a pervert, or at least I hope to God you're not, but this is just plain wrong and I want you to explain yourself before I gotta pound your girly ass in front of everybody," Barret growled.  
  
"It's just like I told ya, Barret! I was looking for his materia and I froze when I saw him! I didn't MEAN to just keep staring at him like that!" Yuffie protested.  
  
Barret eyed her for a second. "Yuffie, was that your first time seein a man naked?" Yuffie nodded. "Oh, lord. Yuffie I suppose your father never gave you 'the talk,' right?" Yuffie shook her head no. "Oh, LORD," said Barret. "Ok, well let's just close the door, and don't you ever say a WORD about this, girl, or I am really going to kick your ass to Midgar." Barret shut the door. After two hours, a lot of crayons, cross-dressing, and much serious talking, Yuffie got the full dose of "the talk." Slowly, she stood up from her sitting position on the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW GAWD I AM NEVER HAVING SEX I NEVER WANNA SEE ANOTHER NEKKID GUY AGAIN IN MY LIFE!" Yuffie screamed. Five pairs of eyes stared at her. Vincent was sulking in his room. Yuffie ran into her room and got dressed faster than she had ever gotten dressed in her life, coming out in a white tank top and jeans shorts. Then she walked into the hall and headed towards the living room. As she rounded the corner, she smacked into something solid. And that something solid was Vincent Valentine, a shocked look on his face with skin matching his capes. "…" He stared at her for a second and then walked away into the living room. Yuffie looked at her feet and followed him.  
  
***  
  
The group eyed the pair at dinner. Neither was eating a bite. Both were staring at the meal as if their lives would end if they looked up from the plate. "Anyone want cherry pie?" Tifa offered helpfully. Normally Yuffie loved cherry pie. But tonight she just kept staring at her food. Vincent was busy checking his claw, and silent as always. Cloud took advantage of the situation and started shoveling as much food into his mouth as possible. He was reaching for the last slice of pie when he saw another hand going toward it at the same time. Cid. The two men started death glares at each other and started getting into fighting mode.  
  
Yuffie stole a quick glance at Vincent, who just happened to be staring at her too. They blushed deeply, and Yuffie started turning away, but noticed that Vincent had not taken his eyes off her. Meanwhilst Cloud flew like a drunken pixie out of the window and Cid, with a happy look on his face, was stuffing the pie into his mouth. ^_^  
  
Vincent stood up suddenly and beckoned at Yuffie with a twitch of his finger. Confused, she followed him out of the villa and into the humid Costa de Sol night air.  
  
  
  
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You like? Then go on to chapter 2! And don't forget to review! Thank you for reading! This is my second fan fiction so far! Don't worry, I'm starting chapter 2 right after I post this!  
Info: This chapter was written on April 8th, 2001 at approximately 8:42 PM Eastern Standard Time in Maryland, USA by TBOtaku.  
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	2. Tit For Tat - Chapter 2!!(FINALLY...V^^;...

"Yuffie, we have to do something about this," said Vincent.  
  
"Do something about what?" Yuffie cocked her head.  
  
Vincent paused. "…Well, I think that it's for the best if you would give me your word never to trespass on my property again," he concluded.  
  
Yuffie smiled nervously. "Why don't you just get even?" she suggested.  
  
"Get…even…?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, I kick your ass you kick mine, an eye for an eye, sweet revenge, all that stuff, ya know?" Yuffie elaborated. "That's what I do!"  
  
"…Yes, actually, I think that might be a good idea, Yuffie," Vincent told her.  
"Okay!" agreed Yuffie confidently.  
  
Then she realized what she had just said. "Eep," she thought. "What have I gotten myself into????"  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
[The next morning:]  
  
  
"Oh, good morning, Yuffie! Have some eggs and bacon," Tifa greeted the young woman warmly as Yuffie shuffled into the kitchen. The others were already clustered around the table, chewing, cutting, forking, and, er, lapping up their breakfasts, swapping stories, insults, and generally enjoying the beautiful morning. Sunlight streamed into the villa from the myriad crystal windows patterning the walls and bathed the entire household in gold. It really was a beautiful day. Then Yuffie noticed something: Vincent was not at the table.  
  
"Ah! I plain forgot!" Tifa exclaimed, boffing her forehead lightly with her palm. "Yuffs, Vincent said to meet him at the south side of the beach after you've finished breakfast. He said he had something important to tell you," the teasing woman added with a wink.  
  
"Eh?" Yuffie wondered. Suddenly she remembered. Get even…, she thought weakly.  
  
"Eheheh, thanks Tif, I really appreciate it," Yuffie said, feigning cheerfulness. She gingerly sat down in her chair and started half-heartedly poking at her food.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Yuffie ran along the grassy lanes that bordered the beach, her eyes scanning the crowds of vacationers for a more distinct face. "That goddamn Valentine," she grumbled, "It's just like him. 'Hey, Yuffie, I'll be at the beach, but you might not recognize me because I'll be wearing a pink hat and Hawaiian muumuu…'" Suddenly getting a flash that image in her head, the girl nearly choked in her jogging attempts to find the man who seemed to be the possessor of her fate.  
  
  
  
  
[45 minutes later]  
  
  
"STUPID COLOR-BLIND ARROGANT ONE-HANDED VAMPIRE!!!" Yuffie screamed in exasperation, drawing wary looks from various passersby. Just then, she caught a glimpse of the elusive stupid color-blind vampire. Yuffie dropped her arms to her sides and gaped.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Vincent Valentine hadn't MEANT for this to happen. No, he certainly had NOT. But he couldn't do anything about the current situation except pray for some monstrous sea creature to suddenly loom out of the breakers and horribly mangle his attacker…  
  
Vincent sighed. It was all Cloud's fault, yes, Cloud… He flexed his mechanical claws and swore bloody revenge.  
  
  
  
  
[Six hours before]  
  
  
Vincent rose from his slumber and got out of bed, automatically making the bed afterwards. Getting dressed, he headed towards his bathroom, then remembered that the water wasn't functioning there. Turning, he re-routed his course towards Cloud and Cait Sith's room.  
  
Cloud pried his eyes open at the sound of insistent knocking. Mooching out of bed, he put on his blue fuzz slippers and shuffled to the door. He blinked. "Vincent?" he asked, surprised. "Whaddaya want…"  
  
Vincent stared at Cloud's, er, "interesting" choice of footwear for a moment before replying. "My bathroom is non-operational," he explained. "It's your turn to let me use yours."  
  
"…Oh yah," Cloud remembered, "Ookay, well, just help yourself, then Vincent…eh, Vincent?" He added as Vincent started in, "Why are you wearing that outfit?"  
  
As usual, Vincent was garbed in red bandana, red cloak, black this, red that, red…red…red…  
  
Vincent looked himself over. "This is what I always wear," he stated.  
  
Cloud considered his words before speaking. "Well, you know, it's supposed to be around 115º today…you'll probably get heatstroke and die if you wear…that," he concluded.  
  
"…Very well; you're probably right, Cloud. Thank you." And with that, Vincent stalked out of the room. "I'll be right back," he threw over his shoulder.  
  
Cloud watched after him for a while, and then scratched his head. "Well, I'll just go back to sleep then," he muttered, starting for his bed.  
  
  
  
  
[2 minutes pass…]  
  
  
Vincent re-entered the room in…  
  
Cait Sith (waking up): OH MY GOD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN'T TAKE IT!  
  
He stopped abruptly when the Death Penalty was swiftly pointed at his head…heads…the cat head.  
  
Vincent huffed into the bathroom and took care of his morning needs in short order.  
  
  
  
  
[Two hours later]  
  
  
"What'll you have?" asked a cheerful voice. "Startled," Vincent turned around and regarded the barkeep. "Water," he stated. The barkeep shrugged and filled a tall glass with ice water, sliding across the bar to Vincent, who nodded to him and handed over some G. Sipping his drink, the dark-haired man turned to watch the crowds of happy shouting people on the beach. He shook his head and tore his eyes away from the sight, forcing memories he did not want to relive from his mind…and met with a pair of bright purple eyes.  
  
Vincent stared. "…"  
  
In the bar stool next to him sat a voluptuous, scantily clad, GIGGLING young woman. Vincent portended his doom.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Yuffie stared with her mouth open: Not only was Vincent wearing a-a TANK TOP and JEAN SHORTS, but he had an exotically attractive woman attached to him!!!! She simply could not believe this. How DARE he ask her to come all the way here to be greeted with this?!?! In a huff, Yuffie crossed her arms and stomped toward the now doubly forsaken Vincent.  
  
"VINCENT VALENTINE WHAT THE HELL!!!!"  
  
Vincent shot his eyes over to see a wild, slightly tanned and hysterical Yuffie. (Not that she wasn't wild and hysterical all the time…)  
  
By the gods I am damned, He acknowledged.   
  
"Yuffie, it isn't-" He started, but just then the woman, who's name was Ellie, wrapped her arms around him and pouted. "Who's this kid, Vinvin? She's obviously not your girlfriend, I mean LOOK at her!!" demanded Ellie. Yuffie promptly exploded.  
  
"WHAT?!?! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A KID!!!! YOU-YOU-SCARLET WOMAN!!!"  
  
Everyone blinked. "Scarlet woman"???  
  
The Wutai ninja headed over and grabbed Vincent, hauling him away from an amused barkeep and a loudly protesting Ellie, who just then noticed an unbelievably attractive man sitting around the corner.  
"Well, hellooo there," she purred, sidling up beside him. "And what's your name?"  
  
The man turned to her and grinned.  
  
"Sephiroth," he answered.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!!!! (This fan fiction was finished at 2:28 PM(EDT) by TBOtaku!! THANKS FOR READING, EVERYONE!!!! ^_-V" -TBOtaku~~  



	3. Tit For Tat - Chapter 3!! Things are rea...

Vincent eyed a silent Yuffie warily. They were seated at a table for two at the Costa Café, and the young woman seemed to have calmed down. Vincent prepared himself for a barrage of hideous screaming; appearances could always be deceiving.  
  
Yuffie turned from watching the waves and got to business. "Vincent, I didn't know you had a social life!" she exclaimed.   
  
"…Neither did I," replied a slightly blushing Vincent. Which was to say he stopped being horrendously pale.  
  
Yuffie stared curiously at the change in pallor, but quickly went on. "ANYWAY. You wanted to talk to me about something?" she reminded.  
  
"Yes. I've been thinking about your 'getting even' strategy, and I've decided on a solution," He confirmed.  
  
Yuffie shuffled uncomfortably.  
  
"Well," continued Vincent as if he had never broken the sentence, "It appears that the only proper thing to do would be for something equally embarrassing to happen to you," he concluded.  
  
"Whaaaat?! Whaddaya mean, 'equally embarrassing'?!? I should say that was embarrassing enough for me as it was!" protested Yuffie indignantly.  
  
"Well, Yuffie, you WERE the one who sneaked up on ME, added to the fact that it was ME who happened to be naked," Vincent admonished her. Yuffie grumbled, but obviously had no arguments to that.  
  
"Good," affirmed Vincent, nodding. "Well, I shall get back to you when I have decided on something, Yuffie. Thank you for meeting me here," he finished.  
  
Yuffie was staring at him unnervingly.  
  
"What is it, Yuffie?"  
  
Yuffie did not answer.  
  
"Yuffie?"  
  
Slowly, she looked up. "Vincent…you're…wearing…the…same…thing…as…me…" she lamented.  
  
Suddenly, he noticed that she was right. Yuffie had chosen the same white tank top and jean shorts as he had. Then he noticed the various other couples pointing and smiling at them.  
  
"Oh my."  
  
  
*  
  
Sephiroth stalked along the beach, hardly noticeable in the resplendent sunset of Costa de Sol. "I'm coming for you, Vincent Valentine," he thought, laughing out loud as he continued on his course…towards the villa that Vincent and his friends called their home…  
  
  
*  
  
Yuffie Kisaragi was brooding in her room when Cait Sith rudely slammed the door open and waddled in. "What's up, wench? I'm here with a message from tall, dark, and hideous!" the leering cat blasted through his loudspeaker.  
  
Yuffie eyed him, bordering on murder. "What is it, cat?" she demanded, forcing a bored tone.  
  
Cait Sith saw right through the façade and grinned. "Well, having no soul of his own, our favorite vampire decided to ask me to sort through the billions of variables and come up with the most suitably embarrassing thing that you could ever do. Seems that our little boy Vincent has grown up to be a perverted young man!" he chuckled. "Anyway, he told me to tell you when I was done, so here I am!" the robotic cat scrambled up the bed and popped himself into Yuffie's lap. "Don'tcha wanna know what I came up with?" He asked innocently.  
  
"No…but I guess there's no stopping you."  
  
"Good! Well, I have determined that, a certain incident in mind, you have to…" Cait paused for drama and started humming cheap porno music.  
  
A throbbing vein appeared on Yuffie's forehead. "WHAT IS IT, DAMNIT?!?!" she shouted. Red XIII paused on his way to his room and cocked his head at Yuffie's door, then shrugged (Who knows how?) and continued on his course.  
  
Cait Sith put on a serious face and told her, "You just go get naked, run into a crowded living room, and give Spikey a big fat kisseroo!" he said calmly. Then he immediately burst out into fits of uncontrollable laughter.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Cloud, who was drinking a glass of iced tea, suddenly coughed up blood.  
  
"Oh my god!! Cloud, are you alright?!?" Tifa exclaimed. She rushed over and felt his forehead, then checked his pulse. "Hmm. Nothing seems to be wrong," she said, worried.  
  
Cloud wiped his mouth with a napkin and smiled at her. "I probably just spent too much time in the sun, Tiff…Although I have this horrible feeling that someone is plotting against me," he said darkly. Shaking the ridiculous thought from his head, Cloud smiled at Tifa again and asked for another glass of iced tea.  
  
  
*  
  
Yuffie fought an urge to scream. She trembled with the effort. Seeing this, Cait Sith wisely clambered off her bed and let himself out.  
  
"Wahahahahahahahaha…That idiot!!" he thought to himself evilly. "Vincent did no such thing! He was too 'noble' to do anything about it, so he just sulked and then moped about it to me for a while. This is better than the time that I stole that SEPH CD from Vincent!! Wahahahahahaha…" Cait Sith rubbed his hand together eagerly and clanked toward the living room for a slice of cake.  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, right now it's 4:00 PM(EDT)on Saturday, August 26, 2001. I just finished this chapter…on the same day as Chapter 2!!!! Man, I am REALLY having an awesome writing streak!!! Woo~~!! ^__^= As always, thanks for reading, and PLEASE REVIEW!!!! Ciao for now!! -TBOtaku  



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